1st Entry: the warm up

Living in freedom is great. I can CHOOSE to believe in God, to interact with people, to even sacrifice for others. It allows me, and humanity, to freely engage with one another without always protecting myself. Jesus said, "those who lose their lives will save it..." i'm starting to understand what that means. So much of my life I have not lived in freedom. I have lived in bondage to fear, to control, to comfort and I still fight these things today, to live freely in Jesus' love.

Let me explain this freedom a little more. I would always see homeless people as I walked/drove through Atlanta, and would feel sorry for them. This feeling was usually out of pity for them, but mostly guilt... that I was not doing something, or blaming someone else because they weren't doing something. I would get bogged down (b/c i knew it was the "right" thing to do, to help the poor) and end up not doing anything except making myself feel like crap- cause that is what God wanted all along! Right?? ...wrong.

It still was all about me, was I doing "Christianity" right? Did God approve of me? How could I know? and this question has eaten up inside for several years. When something came along that challenged the way i thought a "good/moral life" outta be, it hurt me and made me afraid and mad at myself b/c if i wasn't living the "correct" life, what was I doing? I was afraid to look at my own emptiness. <--This christian life, my life, was void of intimacy with Jesus. I didn't seek him to find out what he wanted, I simply was looking for a formula of good livin so I could escape my guilt. I still fight this urge to this day, I have to remember what Jesus says about me and his love toward me, and keep working on letting His love in! I have to surrender my false securities or my intentional distractions to the truth, that He loves me and wants to be apart of my life, that there is something better out there- victory, instead of living in constant defeat.

This verse has been on my mind lately,
James 1:22-25
22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

I say I want to be changed, I say I want to know more of God, but I am not willing not trust Him with my heart so many times. Not willing to trust that He's got my life when I step out, even when it is just to talk to someone. So my fear of letting go, of what other people think hinders my relationship with God. The FREEDOM comes when I look at the truth, that He loves me, He's with me, He's for me, He's saved (and is continuing to) me, redeemed me, freed me to be my true self- and when i embrace that I can freel engage with life around me.

Anyway, our individual freedom of choice does have something to do with people in need (Calcutta), because we are free to chose to love them- free of guilt or shame. If i am constantly looking at myself, wondering if im doing "christianity" right, always questioning everything and never deciding for fear of being wrong... if I am constantly "SELF-PERSERVING", I will never be able to give myself to anything else. There is a False self, and the True self.

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."
Matthew 16:25

I see alot of fear in me. Fear of being rejected, fear of being wrong. When i forget myself, when I just DO what I know He's called me to do, it feels so wonderful -even if i get rejected, or if I am "wrong". When I face my fears...

In india, I want to face my fears. I want to lay myself down in my own mind and serve others, serving them even in my heart (which i normally hold at a safe distance from anything or one that could hurt it) as we learn to love. I cannot live while thinking about myself (im not talking about knowing yourself or enjoying yourself- God made us, that's awesome) in negativity, hopelessness, running in circles. I was made to live in victory. I was made for Action!

These are alot of random thoughts that have been in my mind. Hope someone can make sense of it.
India will be a huge mountain to climb with my faith, I know the Lord is preparing me even now for this Journey.