Love till it hurts...

I spend so much time trying to be "right". So much life making sure what I am doing and saying is right, that it's the right thing to say and do. I talk to people about Jesus because that's the "right" thing to do... I tell others He is my Joy and Peace, that he loves me when I don't give Him a lot of time to speak to me in silence, to soak in His love and acceptance. A lot of times I don't feel His love, and i think that it is partly because I don't allow Him to love me, i don't allow His peace or Jo to penetrate me- because I don't trust Him.

Someone once told me, "Drew... I feel like God is saying, 'It's time to get in the game'."

That is one of the greatest encouragements anyone has ever given to me, and i got mad when he told me that! 

"What do you mean, get in the game... I'm already in the game!" 

Now, I see that God was referring to my heart. Allowing my heart to "Get in the game" of life. For so long I have strived to do the 'right' thing, i pushed down my heart in exchange for a practice of doing the right thing. I see now that we were meant to eat from the tree of LIFE not the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. 

One of the reason some Christians seem to be unable to relate to the rest of the world is because we don't acknowledge and embrace our own humanity. Ours wants and desires, our pain and shame, our guilt and fear. We create an image to project to others to appear "christian" or "right", all the while we suffocate our hearts- we don't live in freedom but rather a slave to doing the 'right' thing. Without acknowledging and embracing our humanity, letting our hearts dare to live, we will forever be neutral, numb, lukewarm "christians" never following the desires and dreams we were created with. Few of us know truly what we want in this life, few of us even ask ourselves that question. We don't want to get our hopes up. (by desires, i mean: hopes and dreams, finding  a 'mate' for example, spending your life on something that is worth giving it to- whatever it is to you).

Our God is a BIG God. Dare to HOPE for something more.

I see now that He has come to set us free... though I don't always live in the freedom He's given. So many times i will "check-out" of situations where I have little or no control, I will move somewhere in the room more comfortable for me- whether in the bathroom alone or with people I know well or i know will not ask me revealing questions or make me feel vulnerable. At times I will seek God for help, for comfort but in my heart I will not allow him room to move me, to change my actions for fear He will not come through...

But, "it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free" Galations 5:1 ...I am free to allow myself to love someone, to take joy in others and in life, to allow myself to Hope for something better. Allowing my heart to ultimately TRUST God and His promises. That He hears my prayers, and I can rest in that truth.

Henri Nouwen (i will quote him alot) said it well-

"It is safe to love... It's safe to embrace vulnerability because we both find ourselves in loving hands. It is safe to be available because someone told us that we stand on solid ground. It is safe to surrender because we will not fall into a dark pit but enter a welcoming home. It is safe to be weak because we are surrounded by a creative strength".

Mother Teresa (her too) once said, "Love till it hurts. Then you find there is no more hurt, only love".

She speaks of freedom I seldom experience, but want to and I take ACTION to take hold of it. I am so seduced by comfort, by leisure; I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to be movable, I don't want to put myself out on that ledge where I can be knocked off or lifted up. Yet, I don't feel alive being comfortable...

I distract myself from things that are real, like relationships... with my God, my parents, my friends... Yet I am learning to engage, because I am free- because I am loved. I am tired of my mask. Love cannot penetrate me unless I let it in. The walls around my heart are beginning to break- How Wonderful!!! Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to keep coming after me even when i reject you in my heart. Thank you that you are rescuing me from this body of death into true, abundant life!

I look forward to India, where all masks, all expectations of what I should be and do will fall away with an inescapable reality set before my eyes as I witness people starving and dying, begging to be loved. real people. Only through prayer, communication with Jesus, can I hope to be able to not only survive India but this life by giving mine away to Him, to others... because whoever saves his life will lose it, but whoever loses it gains it.

Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you don't get bogged down with all these words. These blogs will build on each other.