Aflame

     My mind is aflame with thoughts of how to live life, possibilities of the future and present, and what we need to do now. We have been here in California for 3 weeks now, and the transition has not been easy for either of us. We miss our friends. We miss the familiarity of old sites. We miss the consideration of another. But I am not writing this BLOG to vent, I am writing it to express the thought paths developing inside.

     Questions are what brought us here to Fuller. Sam Keen, I picked up his book "Hymns to an Unknown God" at my aunt's house in Pinos Altos, NM. He is a writer, philosopher, and at one time editor for Psychology today for 20 years. I popped it open and read a part from the middle- i like to do that to get a taste of a book- and I have been taken with Keen, his writing style and insights about the human journey. His urge is for us to experience the spirit of life/God/ourselves in everyday life- not merely in the halls of a church. Calling for the awakening that "everything is spiritual" (thank you rob bell), Keen retells stories of his and others past to stimulate our spirits (our inner lives) to come to life again from the numbing busyness and over-stimulation that accompanies our culture. He speaks of the treasure of silence, which I am a believer in. But the point that struck me most was about our bodies.

     "Glory in the Lowest" is Keen's clever word play about getting back in touch with our senses. In many mainstream religions there has always been a separation from the carnal and the spiritual- one the highest good, the other a entangling evil, or a temporary tent at best. From Buddhism's practice of the body and its desires as the causation of suffering with relief being the dis-attachment of all things, to Christianity's outlook of the flesh, like gravity, pulling us constantly toward sin and temptation. I had always felt this contradiction within from my spirit and body- viewing my flesh bad, spirit good. Keen explains that our body/mind/spirit are all connected, and he invites us to find glory in our lowly senses- touch, taste, sight, sound, smell. These most basic attributes to all human kind are such gifts, such a thing to be celebrated and are yet held cautiously at arm's length. Practicing of enjoyment of the senses inspires and brings life to the spirit. It connects us to the physical life and reality around us.

    To save you friend from my long ramblings of these thoughts I'll try to summarize. Keen's insights about our "glory in the lowest" inspired and freed me to genuinely enjoy life! I have sensed a barrier in myself between my desires and my duties, my spirit and flesh, dissolve and be able to guilelessly and effortlessly enjoy the moment. Yet, the enjoyment and acceptance of the body is just one peak on an inward mountain range. Questions have emerged in me from this book that would have scared me years ago. I am a little scared to write this as I don't know what my readers/friends will think, but I want to write my thoughts- if only to tell someone.

     In my attempts to live a christian life I have felt a burden, a continual nagging that I am not doing enough, doing it right, praying enough, etc. After confessing this to a dear friend he suggested that I take the next day and do whatever I felt like doing. Heresy? Sounded like it, but the soul crushing guilt I knew could not be from a Lord of Love. During my time at the Monastery in Conyers Ga, I discovered a great guilt that accompanied missing a devotion, not praying 'enough' (an hour a day in my mind). The picture was of God as a giant whining baby, emotionally unstable and prone to tantrums if I missed my agreed upon schedule. I knew this could not be God either and was freed of my quiet time guilt. These steps along my journey are what have led me to believe that the inward journey will lead us to truth- self reflection and silence. My newest mark of freedom comes in thinking about the will of God differently. Instead of constantly asking God what i should do, I have been listening to my own heart, my own desires and following them unashamedly. Enjoying the time playing a video-game, laughing at a goofy look with Shantal, resting in the peace that comes from your dog snuggled up against your leg- all glories of life inspired by love. At first my thought is that perhaps God's will is ambivalent to what we do. There is no right and wrong in choices- freedom is ours for the taking! But thanks to my recent exploration into Quakerism and their emphasis on the individuals faith journey, I see that there is a great 'good' will, a transcendent will inspiring people.

     It is very hard to put it into words- but I feel free to be my true-self (Merton), and letting my true-self explore what it wants, and in the process revealing myself to myself. Part of that freedom is the relaxation in my prespective of God's expectations of me. As Brother Hugh said to me at the Monastery, "Relax- you always grow more when you're relaxed".