Love till it hurts...

I spend so much time trying to be "right". So much life making sure what I am doing and saying is right, that it's the right thing to say and do. I talk to people about Jesus because that's the "right" thing to do... I tell others He is my Joy and Peace, that he loves me when I don't give Him a lot of time to speak to me in silence, to soak in His love and acceptance. A lot of times I don't feel His love, and i think that it is partly because I don't allow Him to love me, i don't allow His peace or Jo to penetrate me- because I don't trust Him.

Someone once told me, "Drew... I feel like God is saying, 'It's time to get in the game'."

That is one of the greatest encouragements anyone has ever given to me, and i got mad when he told me that! 

"What do you mean, get in the game... I'm already in the game!" 

Now, I see that God was referring to my heart. Allowing my heart to "Get in the game" of life. For so long I have strived to do the 'right' thing, i pushed down my heart in exchange for a practice of doing the right thing. I see now that we were meant to eat from the tree of LIFE not the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. 

One of the reason some Christians seem to be unable to relate to the rest of the world is because we don't acknowledge and embrace our own humanity. Ours wants and desires, our pain and shame, our guilt and fear. We create an image to project to others to appear "christian" or "right", all the while we suffocate our hearts- we don't live in freedom but rather a slave to doing the 'right' thing. Without acknowledging and embracing our humanity, letting our hearts dare to live, we will forever be neutral, numb, lukewarm "christians" never following the desires and dreams we were created with. Few of us know truly what we want in this life, few of us even ask ourselves that question. We don't want to get our hopes up. (by desires, i mean: hopes and dreams, finding  a 'mate' for example, spending your life on something that is worth giving it to- whatever it is to you).

Our God is a BIG God. Dare to HOPE for something more.

I see now that He has come to set us free... though I don't always live in the freedom He's given. So many times i will "check-out" of situations where I have little or no control, I will move somewhere in the room more comfortable for me- whether in the bathroom alone or with people I know well or i know will not ask me revealing questions or make me feel vulnerable. At times I will seek God for help, for comfort but in my heart I will not allow him room to move me, to change my actions for fear He will not come through...

But, "it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free" Galations 5:1 ...I am free to allow myself to love someone, to take joy in others and in life, to allow myself to Hope for something better. Allowing my heart to ultimately TRUST God and His promises. That He hears my prayers, and I can rest in that truth.

Henri Nouwen (i will quote him alot) said it well-

"It is safe to love... It's safe to embrace vulnerability because we both find ourselves in loving hands. It is safe to be available because someone told us that we stand on solid ground. It is safe to surrender because we will not fall into a dark pit but enter a welcoming home. It is safe to be weak because we are surrounded by a creative strength".

Mother Teresa (her too) once said, "Love till it hurts. Then you find there is no more hurt, only love".

She speaks of freedom I seldom experience, but want to and I take ACTION to take hold of it. I am so seduced by comfort, by leisure; I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to be movable, I don't want to put myself out on that ledge where I can be knocked off or lifted up. Yet, I don't feel alive being comfortable...

I distract myself from things that are real, like relationships... with my God, my parents, my friends... Yet I am learning to engage, because I am free- because I am loved. I am tired of my mask. Love cannot penetrate me unless I let it in. The walls around my heart are beginning to break- How Wonderful!!! Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to keep coming after me even when i reject you in my heart. Thank you that you are rescuing me from this body of death into true, abundant life!

I look forward to India, where all masks, all expectations of what I should be and do will fall away with an inescapable reality set before my eyes as I witness people starving and dying, begging to be loved. real people. Only through prayer, communication with Jesus, can I hope to be able to not only survive India but this life by giving mine away to Him, to others... because whoever saves his life will lose it, but whoever loses it gains it.

Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you don't get bogged down with all these words. These blogs will build on each other.

1st Entry: the warm up

Living in freedom is great. I can CHOOSE to believe in God, to interact with people, to even sacrifice for others. It allows me, and humanity, to freely engage with one another without always protecting myself. Jesus said, "those who lose their lives will save it..." i'm starting to understand what that means. So much of my life I have not lived in freedom. I have lived in bondage to fear, to control, to comfort and I still fight these things today, to live freely in Jesus' love.

Let me explain this freedom a little more. I would always see homeless people as I walked/drove through Atlanta, and would feel sorry for them. This feeling was usually out of pity for them, but mostly guilt... that I was not doing something, or blaming someone else because they weren't doing something. I would get bogged down (b/c i knew it was the "right" thing to do, to help the poor) and end up not doing anything except making myself feel like crap- cause that is what God wanted all along! Right?? ...wrong.

It still was all about me, was I doing "Christianity" right? Did God approve of me? How could I know? and this question has eaten up inside for several years. When something came along that challenged the way i thought a "good/moral life" outta be, it hurt me and made me afraid and mad at myself b/c if i wasn't living the "correct" life, what was I doing? I was afraid to look at my own emptiness. <--This christian life, my life, was void of intimacy with Jesus. I didn't seek him to find out what he wanted, I simply was looking for a formula of good livin so I could escape my guilt. I still fight this urge to this day, I have to remember what Jesus says about me and his love toward me, and keep working on letting His love in! I have to surrender my false securities or my intentional distractions to the truth, that He loves me and wants to be apart of my life, that there is something better out there- victory, instead of living in constant defeat.

This verse has been on my mind lately,
James 1:22-25
22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

I say I want to be changed, I say I want to know more of God, but I am not willing not trust Him with my heart so many times. Not willing to trust that He's got my life when I step out, even when it is just to talk to someone. So my fear of letting go, of what other people think hinders my relationship with God. The FREEDOM comes when I look at the truth, that He loves me, He's with me, He's for me, He's saved (and is continuing to) me, redeemed me, freed me to be my true self- and when i embrace that I can freel engage with life around me.

Anyway, our individual freedom of choice does have something to do with people in need (Calcutta), because we are free to chose to love them- free of guilt or shame. If i am constantly looking at myself, wondering if im doing "christianity" right, always questioning everything and never deciding for fear of being wrong... if I am constantly "SELF-PERSERVING", I will never be able to give myself to anything else. There is a False self, and the True self.

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."
Matthew 16:25

I see alot of fear in me. Fear of being rejected, fear of being wrong. When i forget myself, when I just DO what I know He's called me to do, it feels so wonderful -even if i get rejected, or if I am "wrong". When I face my fears...

In india, I want to face my fears. I want to lay myself down in my own mind and serve others, serving them even in my heart (which i normally hold at a safe distance from anything or one that could hurt it) as we learn to love. I cannot live while thinking about myself (im not talking about knowing yourself or enjoying yourself- God made us, that's awesome) in negativity, hopelessness, running in circles. I was made to live in victory. I was made for Action!

These are alot of random thoughts that have been in my mind. Hope someone can make sense of it.
India will be a huge mountain to climb with my faith, I know the Lord is preparing me even now for this Journey.